Feeding Brain Soup

So there goes another deadline, another missed opportunity to get one simple task completed. A task that could have taken half an hour, an hour tops and instead I’ve stewed over it for four. Why do my eyeballs insist on staring blankly, almost out of focus for great lengths of time when my rational brain is screaming to just lay my hands on the keyboard and ‘clack’. I’ve worked hard for this job, climbed the corporate ladder and jumped through countless hoops to get here. This is not my dream job by any means and there are days when I feel the creativity inside me withering away but I am good at my job. I am intelligent – would you believe?! So I ask myself, ‘why are my mind and body in a direct battle with one another?’

I suppose this is where I lose you dear reader – buckle up – I have an ADHD panel call in December. When it was first suggested that I may have inattentive ADD, I scoffed – surely not. Not the high achiever from the gifted and talented sets at high school, not the corporate climber who strives for perfection – no, never. Apparently the part of me that is deemed successful and high achieving is a key indicator for ADD – obviously along with the daydreaming, brain fog and killer apathy for almost everything including herself.

I feel like since I got an actual date – D day for telling a stranger to help me and to convince them I am wired differently, admitting that my past traumas may well have developed into a defence mechanism that is now trying to trip me up in every facet of my life(!), things have got so much worse. As December creeps ever closer, I can feel my brain cells giving up one by one. It’s like the curtain going down on a terribly melancholic stage show, some miserable old janitor flicking the light switches off one by one. I’m having to remind myself to do the most basic of human tasks just in order to get the day done. Seventeen different alarms on my phone, set throughout the day – drink some water, have a shower, read for a little while, don’t forget to put the mildew infested washing on the twelfth wash cycle. I can’t decide whether I am punishing myself for not being able to function like a ‘regular’ human, whatever that is, or if I’m appeasing my inner toddler. Either way I am not sure what the correct approach is or if there even is one? However as Friday creeps in to close another week, I am at least thankful that I made it. Tomorrow is a new day and we start again on Monday.

We’ve got this, Loves ❤